Cultivating gratitude and growth

Have you ever noticed that when you perseverate on the past, you start to feel depressed and when you hyper-focus on the future you tend to feel anxious? While self reflection is important, if we are too focused on the past or the future, it will likely cause feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction and who needs more of that right now! So how do we find a balance?

Mental flexibility and emotional resilience begin to develop by targeting the present moment and intentionally moving toward meaning and productivity. This transforms anxiety and depression into manageable visitors in our lives that pass through from time-to-time. One tool to complete this task in to utilize mindfulness and gratItude. Take time to foster a growth mindset and work to build a sense of gratitude in the midst of hardship. Researchers have found that people who reported engaging in gratitude practices report experiencing less physical discomfort, improved sleep, fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression, and enhanced personal and professional functioning (Chowdhury, 2020; Harvard Publishing, n.d.).

One way to work on building gratitude during hard times is to keep a gratitude journal where you can identify the things that you are thankful for or that bring you pleasure. If you are a young mother, for example, the mess your kids make may make you very overwhelmed and anxious. These feelings are normal, but we don’t want to get stuck in them, so try to pivot to focus on what you might be grateful for: Your healthy kids, your home to get messy, the fun they had creating the mess, etc.

But, please understand that when we are in crisis, we are wired to scan for threat and not gratitude. So this isn’t going to feel easy, especially during pandemics, economic/societal unrest, winter storms, and on and on.

To put it in the context of the social situation in our country today, we can understand that we might initially scan for threat, but if we shift focus, we might be able to become thankful for a catalyst for change. We can also use this as an opportunity to cultivate a socially responsible and compassionate growth mindset: Improving how we communicate, behave, understand and support one another. We are built for connection. This is particularly important because frequently, when we get stuck in anxiety or depression, we also become more isolated, losing the opportunity to connect with others and become stuck in a rigid way of thinking or behaving.

Counseling provides a non-judgmental place to work through complex emotions and situations to help recognize unhelpful patterns and relationships, which allows for greater awareness of our thoughts, behaviors, and current situations. This increased awareness opens the door to developing more helpful ways of relating to others, responding to our feelings, and a better understanding of life situations, and these skills enable us to begin pursuing ways to live our best life.

If you are ready to explore ways to cultivate gratitude and work on establishing a growth mindset, check out: Mindset by Carol Dweck, Ph.D., and Start with Why and Find Your Why by Simon Sinek. There are many apps that help you build a practice of gratitude; these will catalogue not only your grateful words, but you can add images and videos. Practicing gratitude this way not only shifts your focus in the present, but also helps you remember what you were grateful for in the past.

Another way to work on creating a growth mindset and a sense of gratitude may include working with a counselor to identify areas that contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression, learning coping skills to disrupt and manage those emotions, as well as to work on ways to become more mentally flexible and resilient. If this is something you're interested in, please consider giving Align Couples Therapy a call today.

References

Chowdhury, M. (2020, May 12). The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety & Grief. Retrieved July 06, 2020, from https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/

Harvard Publishing. (n.d.). Giving thanks can make you happier. Retrieved July 06, 2020, from https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier

Grief in uncertain times

We have faced more challenges in the last year than any generation in recent memory. We are living through a pandemic, navigating through social and political changes, and facing economic concerns, all while trying to live fulfilling, productive lives. As these challenges continue, grow and change, you may find yourself struggling with sadness, frustration, anxiety, fear, worry, low motivation, and more. We long for normalcy.

How to manage COVID grief

You may be dealing with a loss of a loved one, a relationship, or a job. You might be contemplating canceling a special event that you have prepared and planned for, such as a wedding, graduation, or promotion ceremony. You are not alone; social media feeds are full of sadness, frustration, fear and grief. These feelings are normal responses and are part of the anxiety associated with the fear of the unknown, grieving the loss of the life we have been used to, and navigating unclear territory.

Part of why the world seems scary, frustrating, and sad is that we cannot see what is coming or imagine how things will ever go back to how they used to be. This triggers a sense of loss and anxiety. When our brain senses danger it works to restore a sense of security. As we are unable to return to our previous sense of safety, our nervous system stays locked in the flight-fight-freeze mode. This is a natural response to a traumatic situation, but can result in painful physical symptoms associated with anxiety such as a racing heart, shortness of breath, feeling clammy, trouble sleeping, etc. These physical symptoms may intensify the anxiety we are already feeling and are frightening because it can be hard to tell the difference between a medical emergency and anxiety. Understanding the link between our body and mind is an important step to enhancing our ability to respond to stressors, communicate our feelings with others, and reduce the sense of isolation that often accompanies anxiety or grief.

Here are some tips that can help manage the feelings of anxiety and grief:

• Engage in activities you can control (like good hygiene, nutrition and exercise) and release activities that you cannot control (what other people are doing and how they are reacting)

• Understand that your loved one’s responses to anxiety and grief may look very different from yours; open up a discussion about these differences and how to best support one another

• Use free resources like mediation or fitness apps to manage feelings. Calm and Headspace are great apps and excellent resources

• Find ways to ground yourself into the present using mindfulness techniques. For example, take an afternoon break and have an orange. Notice how it smells, how it feels as you peel it, tastes once you eat it. Be present in this moment and behavior.

• Name your grief and validate your emotions. When we name emotions and allow our feelings space, we can alleviate some of the pain that often accompanies the feeling. Here is a link to a helpful emotions wheel to identify the variances and complexity of emotion.

• Learn something new or engage in a favorite activity; find something you can do alone and also something with a loved one.

• Connect with nature and the physical environment, even better: exercise in nature

• Reach out to family and friends using technology but limit time spent on social media

• Utilize news sources by checking in to just get the latest updates, but not staying connected to it all day

• Contact a mental health professional for support. Align Couples Therapy can offer both mental health and relational counseling to address these needs. By processing the feelings that are showing up now, you can help limit the impact our current world has on your future plans and functioning. We would be honored to help! To make an appointment, click here.

The shelter in the storm: how to support each other when anxiety shows up

Do you ever feel like there is a third wheel in your relationship?  No, I’m not talking about another person.  I’m talking about the unwanted guest: anxiety.  Anxiety might block your ability to connect with and support others, dictate the activities you engage in, and may reinforce you feeling overwhelmed and stuck.  This doesn't need to be the case; the therapy I provide during individual counseling or couples counseling at Align Couples Therapy may help manage anxiety and the accompanying painful feelings.  The end result is a relationship that can be the shelter rather than the damage path of the storm.

Managing anxiety in relationships

Anxiety can create tension between people, even when they care deeply about one another.  Next comes frustration and stress, followed close behind by disagreements and conflict.  Couples counseling can provide assistance managing these disagreements, reducing feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction. Partners can also work together to create a meaningful relationship, support one another, and resolve some of the concerns associated with anxiety listed below:

• Feeling unable to say no

• People-pleasing

• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions

• Discounting your own thoughts, opinions, and intuition because of what others think

• Avoiding intimate relationships

• Inability to make decisions

• Believing that your happiness is dependent on others

• Difficulty asking for what you want or need, or being made to feel guilty

• Consistently being overly sensitive to criticism

Couples counseling for anxiety may also help the non-anxious partner understand their partner's struggles more clearly and respond more helpfully and compassionately.  It is common for the supporting partner to misunderstand their partner’s anxiety. This causes difficulty communicating, trusting, and finding ways to offer support because they do not know what to do; so they do nothing. It is also incredibly tempting for the non-anxious partner to want to fix their partner or suggest ways to “snap out of it.” 

Don’t:

• Try to “fix” your partner or their feelings

• Assume the worst or mindread

• Dismiss or minimize their anxiety

• Encourage maladaptive behaviors

• Take things personally

• Lose your temper when anxiety levels are high

• Blame them for canceled plans or last-minute changes

Do:

• Attend counseling with your partner

• Offer encouragement without pushing

• Empathize and validate emotions

• Help your partner manage anxiety, not eliminate it

• Provide affection

• Celebrate small victories

• Have individual interests and support systems

Our therapeutic work can also help the anxious partner communicate what they are feeling and what they need clearly and effectively.  Anxiety may interfere with plans or cause a small situation to escalate, which could create tension in the relationship.  We identify tools and resources to utilize when anxiety is at play and move forward in a way that enhances the relationship while honoring each person.  Demystifying the anxiety spiral is a central focus.  We work to create meaningful connections and identify and utilize extended support systems.

It is helpful to identify triggers for anxiety and explore how, as a couple, you can work together to overcome those triggers.  We also explore family and social patterns that might be contributing to anxiety and ways to restructure those patterns. This supports the individual experiencing anxiety and also allows for the couple to create a more meaningful relationship.  When anxiety is avoided, it tends to grow, so by addressing the things that contribute to anxiety, they become less problematic and are less likely to contribute to feelings of depression or disconnection with family members and friends.  

True healing can happen when one is fully seen and heard in a compassionate atmosphere. 

How to prepare for an online counseling session

Align Couples Therapy is 100% online for awhile. Please don't delay starting therapy at this time; self care and relationship care is as important as ever! Online sessions are easy and so convenient!

I’m working very hard on making this experience as impactful as an office session and believe if you give it a try, you will be glad you didn’t wait. Online video is much more engaging and warm than trying to build therapeutic rapport behind face masks. Both client and therapist must be able to view the full range of facial emotion in session.

Many clients are reporting that online couples therapy is working better than they imagined. I have noticed that when positive relationship experience happens in your own home during session, instead of only in the therapy office, it is moving couples along faster in the change process.

online couples counseling

Here are some tips:

• Allow some buffer time before session to get set up, comfortable and adjust your computer settings. You will also want to simulate the brain space that a typical car commute and alone time in a waiting room counseling office gives you. This allows you some time to think about your goals for the session and your assessment of the week prior. Jumping into a therapy session straight from an online work meeting will make it hard to orient yourself to the process.

• Have some headphones handy. This can help with privacy and filtering out background noise and echos.

• Sit in front of a window or shine a lamp in your direction for light.

• If you are signing on as a couple, set the computer on a table and sit back from it a few feet to provide ability for both people to be seen on the screen.

• Check your internet speed here, and make adjustments below.

• Restart your computer before session and close all extra tabs that are open, check your location to your router, you may need to move closer.

• Call your internet provider and make sure you are getting the best available speed, I was able to increase my wifi speed and get a reduced bill all in one phone call!

• For privacy: sit in your car on your lunch break or in your driveway. There is also no shame in meeting from the comfort of your closet! The hanging clothes make it very soundproof.

• Use your phone as a sound machine/put on some music outside of the room where you are having your session. I use a sound machine outside my office door. I use this one from Amazon, it’s got an amazing sound and has held up wonderfully over time.

• Ask family members not to game or stream movies during your session if wifi speed is an issue.

• Place your computer/laptop on some books or a pillow on your lap, prop up iPad to bring the camera to your eye level.

• Turn off messages/email notifications during your session to eliminate distracting dings, put phone on Do Not Disturb.

• Allow yourself some time after your session to adjust back into your day. Don’t rush right back to life.

• Give yourself a session or two to adjust to the difference, it definitely grows on you! Research shows that online sessions are not less effective than in-person sessions.

• Do not multitask during session, give it your full attention, like you would in a therapy office.

• This is a good article and more information from Apple about how to make video conferencing more enjoyable.

  I look forward to seeing you online!

What are you communicating?

Have you ever thought you and your partner weren’t communicating well? You are not alone!

Almost every couple that comes through my door states that they are seeking to improve their communication skills.

So what does that mean? It could mean so many different things, which is why we do a comprehensive couples assessment to start the counseling process.

Here are 5 important questions to ask your partner to assess your communication quality at home:

Are we communicating our needs? (In a gentle and loving way?) Our partner needs to know the way to our heart. Help them pass the test; you are on the same team and they can’t read your mind. Responding to our partner’s needs communicates love and compassion.

Are we communicating criticism or contempt? While you need to let your partner know what you need, how you phrase this will determine how effective your statement will be. Starting a need with a criticism seriously hinders your partners ability to hear you and respond. Stating a need without criticism communicates that your partner is the solution, not the problem.

Are we communicating that we see and hear each other? (which may mean that we need to shut up). A basic need for all of us is to feel seen and heard. This may not be verbal and can be as simple as eye contact and a touch on the arm. We make bids for attention from each other that often end up failing. If we make a bid for attention that fails, we will often give up trying. Not being responsive communicates rejection.

Are we communicating more about our inner life than just the logistics of our day? Couples on average only talk about 15 minutes a week(yikes!), and even then it’s only logistical. That is not very connective communication. Try the Gottman Card Deck app for some more meaningful discussion starters. Sharing our inner life communicates vulnerability and trust. Inquiring about our partner’s inner world communicates: “I value you.”

How does our communication get influenced or hijacked by our nervous system? One of the tools we learn in therapy is to understand how our nervous system can often derail our mind and communication. How we are biologically wired to survive does not help us connect lovingly during times of stress. Taking a break from an argument that is headed in the wrong direction communicates: “I love you enough to take a break, calm down and circle back.”

Top 5 ways to find a great marriage counselor

It can be so hard to find a good couples therapist. The confidential nature of the work and social stigma means that most consumers don’t spread the word. Marriage counselors are also ethically bound to not ask for online reviews to protect our client’s confidentiality, and therapists in general tend not to be business oriented. This often leaves the consumer in the dark.

I’d like to offer some suggestions. Here are a list of the 5 top ways to find a great marriage counselor:

1. License

Marriage counselors must be licensed by the state in which they are providing services. This license could be an LMFT(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), LPC(Licensed Professional Counselor), LCSW(Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or Licensed Psychologist. There are lots of well meaning folks that like to help couples and have good intentions, but if there is no license, there is questionable training and no oversight. To obtain a license, one must have at least a Masters degree in a related field and then complete 3000 hours of an internship and hundreds of hours of supervision, as well as completing continuing education each year. This is imperative to properly train a therapist. I once heard a friend compare a therapist with no license to her unlicensed hairdresser. The problem with providing couples counseling unlicensed is that the stakes are so much higher than a bad haircut. Families and marriages are on the line, mental health needs are being addressed, and an untrained therapist can do so much damage. Look for a relevant license.

2. Education and training

The beauty of a licensed therapist is that the licensing board has covered this step for you, vetting the therapists training and credentials. Additionally, a marriage/relationship counselor should have training to work specifically with couples. A therapist trained only to see individuals will not be competent to work with couples; they need additional supervision and relationship specific courses and experience. I also prefer to refer couples to counselors that primarily see couples. Most often when a client is relaying why couples therapy didn’t work well in the past, it was provided by a therapist who wasn’t trained to work with couples and was doing the same type of therapy they provide to individuals.

3. Couples specific certifications

In addition to an appropriate counseling degree, a marriage counselor may also have specialized certifications. I am a Certified Gottman Therapist, for example. This required completing 3 levels of intensive training(that took a few years) as well as working with a consultant who reviewed video recordings of my therapy sessions to determine that I was meeting the standards and technique required to be a CGT. There is also advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (of which I have completed an externship), as well as through a few other models. A counselor who has completed these trainings is deemed a specialist.

4. Niche specific

It is also helpful to look for a marriage counselor that may have a specific niche regarding your identified area of need. Infidelity, substance abuse, porn addiction, ADHD, or religion may be examples of specific niche areas. It is not possible for a therapist to be well informed and great at everything.

If you are looking for a faith based counselor, make sure you still cover items 1-3. Just because the counselor is of the same faith, doesn’t necessarily mean they are trained to work well with couples. And another important point is that a great counselor will respect, honor and integrate your faith, even if they do not share the same religion.

5. Rapport

Research consistently reports that the effectiveness of any given therapy is mainly due to the rapport with the counselor. That means you want to find someone with whom you have a good rapport and with whom you feel comfortable. This may take a few counselors to find, but when you make a good connection, the time investment is worth it!

Bonus tip: look for therapists that are grounded in a local practice. Online big box platforms often offer couples counseling, but their roster of therapists are often under trained for this specialty and the therapist turnover is very high. This means you will not get high quality or consistent care, even though it may seem cheaper at the beginning. Many of these platforms have also been fined for confidentiality violations and are generally tech based and not healthcare based. A local practice will also provide online care, but from consistent, high quality clinicians. Your relationship deserves the best!