The Myth of Compatibility: Why Great Marriages are Built, Not Found

-written from a Christian perspective from one of our Align therapists

If I had a dollar for every time someone in couples therapy said, “Maybe we just aren’t compatible,” I could retire early and open a small coffee shop called Irreconcilable Beans. It would be a cozy place where couples could sip lattes and talk about how they once thought love was supposed to be easy. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

We live in a culture that loves the idea of compatibility. Dating apps promise it through algorithms, rom-coms sell it through serendipity, and social media convinces us that it’s all about finding the person who “gets” us. Compatibility has become the modern fairy tale, complete with filters and curated vacation photos. The problem is, that version of love rarely survives actual life.

Searching for compatibility in relationships

The truth is, great marriages aren’t discovered like buried treasure. They’re built. Brick by brick. Conversation by conversation. Forgiveness by forgiveness. And sometimes, through gritted teeth and late-night prayer.

Let’s be honest. Nobody is perfectly compatible with anyone. Not even your favorite couple from church who posts photos of their color-coordinated Christmas pajamas. If you look closely, one of them probably wants the thermostat at 68 and the other at 74. One wants to spend every Saturday morning reorganizing the garage. The other wants to sleep until brunch.

Compatibility isn’t what keeps couples together. What matters is how you navigate the incompatibilities. Dr. John Gottman’s research backs this up. He’s studied thousands of couples over decades and found that around 69 percent of all marital conflicts are perpetual. That means most of the things you argue about will never be fully resolved. Let that sink in.

So if you’re waiting to find someone who sees eye-to-eye with you on everything, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Marriage isn’t about eliminating conflict. It’s about learning how to handle it in a way that builds trust instead of tearing it down.

Every couple has moments where they stare across the dinner table and wonder what planet their partner came from. Maybe it’s during a disagreement about parenting. Maybe it’s about spending habits or how long is too long to leave leftovers in the fridge. Whatever the topic, those moments aren’t proof you married the wrong person. They’re invitations to grow.

Conflict is not the enemy of connection. Avoidance is. When couples learn to approach differences with curiosity instead of defensiveness, something powerful happens. They start to see their partner not as an obstacle but as a mirror. And mirrors, as uncomfortable as they are, show us where we need to grow.

The Gottman Method calls this process turning toward instead of turning away. It’s about staying emotionally engaged even when you don’t agree. That means instead of saying, “You’re impossible,” you say, “Help me understand why this matters to you.”

In my work with couples, I’ve seen time and again that the healthiest relationships aren’t the ones with the fewest arguments. They’re the ones where both partners are committed to repair. Where humility outweighs pride. Where love shows up, not just when it’s easy, but when it’s inconvenient.

We often assume that if two people think alike, love alike, and act alike, the relationship will run smoothly. But sameness isn’t the same as safety. In fact, sameness can make a marriage stagnant.

The differences between partners are often the very things that create balance. The organized one keeps life on track. The spontaneous one keeps it from getting boring. The emotionally expressive partner reminds the logical one that feelings matter. The logical one helps the expressive one remember to pay the electric bill. When couples learn to appreciate their differences instead of trying to erase them, they start to see how those differences can serve the marriage rather than threaten it.

This doesn’t happen automatically. It takes maturity and a willingness to surrender the fantasy of “finding the perfect match.” Compatibility feels safe because it promises predictability. But love isn’t predictable. It’s relational carpentry. You learn the measurements, make mistakes, adjust your cuts, and build something stronger than what you started with.

One of my favorite Gottman quotes is, “It’s not the depth of your love that will sustain your marriage, but the strength of your commitment to repair.” That means the real heroes of marriage aren’t the couples who post grand gestures or yearly anniversary getaways (though those are great). They’re the ones who keep showing up to do the small, unseen things: listening when tired, apologizing when wrong, offering grace when frustrated.

Marriage isn’t a destination. It’s a lifelong project. The best marriages are those where both people wake up and choose to keep building, even on the days when the blueprints feel confusing and the tools are missing.

Love isn’t about never fighting. It’s about fighting for each other.

Early in my marriage, I thought my wife and I were incredibly compatible. We liked the same movies, had the same faith, and could make each other laugh at the exact wrong times in church. Then came parenting, careers, sleepless nights, and the great thermostat debate of 2004. Suddenly, compatibility felt like a distant cousin we hadn’t seen in years.

But here’s what we discovered: compatibility is a moving target. People grow. Life changes. The version of your spouse you married is not the same version sitting across from you now. That’s not failure. That’s transformation.

The beauty of marriage isn’t in finding someone who fits you perfectly. It’s in choosing to grow together through all the seasons that reshape you. Modern culture sells love as a vibe… chemistry, sparks, butterflies. But the most enduring love stories aren’t built on butterflies. They’re built on consistency.

Love is a verb. It’s intentional, active, and sometimes deeply unromantic. It’s the choice to turn toward your partner when you’d rather retreat. It’s taking out the trash when you’re mad. It’s praying for your spouse when you feel distant.

When couples start to see love as something they do instead of something they feel, everything shifts. The pressure to “always feel compatible” fades, replaced by the joy of co-creating a story together.

From a faith perspective, marriage was never designed to make us comfortable. It was designed to make us holy, to refine our character through love, humility, and sacrifice. That doesn’t mean it’s all suffering and sanctification. It means God uses our differences to shape us. When we stop chasing compatibility and start practicing compassion, marriage becomes the spiritual classroom it was meant to be.

So what if compatibility isn’t something you discover but something you develop? What if great marriages aren’t made of perfect matches but imperfect people who are willing to learn, forgive, and try again?

That’s what real love looks like. It’s messy. It’s unpredictable. It’s occasionally loud and sometimes silent. But it’s also sacred. When couples stop asking “Are we compatible?” and start asking “Are we growing?” that’s when the real transformation begins. Because love, the real and lasting kind, isn’t found. It’s built, one intentional act at a time.

-If this message resonates with you and you’d like to make an appointment with Ross, you can contact him here