What are you communicating?

Have you ever thought you and your partner weren’t communicating well? You are not alone!

Almost every couple that comes through my door states that they are seeking to improve their communication skills.

So what does that mean? It could mean so many different things, which is why we do a comprehensive couples assessment to start the counseling process.

Here are 5 important questions to ask your partner to assess your communication quality at home:

Are we communicating our needs? (In a gentle and loving way?) Our partner needs to know the way to our heart. Help them pass the test; you are on the same team and they can’t read your mind. Responding to our partner’s needs communicates love and compassion.

Are we communicating criticism or contempt? While you need to let your partner know what you need, how you phrase this will determine how effective your statement will be. Starting a need with a criticism seriously hinders your partners ability to hear you and respond. Stating a need without criticism communicates that your partner is the solution, not the problem.

Are we communicating that we see and hear each other? (which may mean that we need to shut up). A basic need for all of us is to feel seen and heard. This may not be verbal and can be as simple as eye contact and a touch on the arm. We make bids for attention from each other that often end up failing. If we make a bid for attention that fails, we will often give up trying. Not being responsive communicates rejection.

Are we communicating more about our inner life than just the logistics of our day? Couples on average only talk about 15 minutes a week(yikes!), and even then it’s only logistical. That is not very connective communication. Try the Gottman Card Deck app or our new Dance of Hearts cards for couples for some more meaningful discussion starters. Sharing our inner life communicates vulnerability and trust. Inquiring about our partner’s inner world communicates: “I value you.”

How does our communication get influenced or hijacked by our nervous system? One of the tools we learn in therapy is to understand how our nervous system can often derail our mind and communication. How we are biologically wired to survive does not help us connect lovingly during times of stress. Taking a break from an argument that is headed in the wrong direction communicates: “I love you enough to take a break, calm down and circle back.”

Top 5 ways to find a great marriage counselor

It can be so hard to find a good couples therapist. The confidential nature of the work and social stigma means that most consumers don’t spread the word. Marriage counselors are also ethically bound to not ask for online reviews to protect our client’s confidentiality, and therapists in general tend not to be business oriented. This often leaves the consumer in the dark.

I’d like to offer some suggestions. Here are a list of the 5 top ways to find a great marriage counselor:

1. License

Marriage counselors must be licensed by the state in which they are providing services. This license could be an LMFT(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), LPC(Licensed Professional Counselor), LCSW(Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or Licensed Psychologist. There are lots of well meaning folks that like to help couples and have good intentions, but if there is no license, there is questionable training and no oversight. To obtain a license, one must have at least a Masters degree in a related field and then complete 3000 hours of an internship and hundreds of hours of supervision, as well as completing continuing education each year. This is imperative to properly train a therapist. I once heard a friend compare a therapist with no license to her unlicensed hairdresser. The problem with providing couples counseling unlicensed is that the stakes are so much higher than a bad haircut. Families and marriages are on the line, mental health needs are being addressed, and an untrained therapist can do so much damage. Look for a relevant license.

2. Education and training

The beauty of a licensed therapist is that the licensing board has covered this step for you, vetting the therapists training and credentials. Additionally, a marriage/relationship counselor should have training to work specifically with couples. A therapist trained only to see individuals will not be competent to work with couples; they need additional supervision and relationship specific courses and experience. I also prefer to refer couples to counselors that primarily see couples. Most often when a client is relaying why couples therapy didn’t work well in the past, it was provided by a therapist who wasn’t trained to work with couples and was doing the same type of therapy they provide to individuals.

3. Couples specific certifications

In addition to an appropriate counseling degree, a marriage counselor may also have specialized certifications. I am a Certified Gottman Therapist, for example. This required completing 3 levels of intensive training(that took a few years) as well as working with a consultant who reviewed video recordings of my therapy sessions to determine that I was meeting the standards and technique required to be a CGT. There is also advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (of which I have completed an externship), as well as through a few other models. A counselor who has completed these trainings is deemed a specialist.

4. Niche specific

It is also helpful to look for a marriage counselor that may have a specific niche regarding your identified area of need. Infidelity, substance abuse, porn addiction, ADHD, or religion may be examples of specific niche areas. It is not possible for a therapist to be well informed and great at everything.

If you are looking for a faith based counselor, make sure you still cover items 1-3. Just because the counselor is of the same faith, doesn’t necessarily mean they are trained to work well with couples. And another important point is that a great counselor will respect, honor and integrate your faith, even if they do not share the same religion.

5. Rapport

Research consistently reports that the effectiveness of any given therapy is mainly due to the rapport with the counselor. That means you want to find someone with whom you have a good rapport and with whom you feel comfortable. This may take a few counselors to find, but when you make a good connection, the time investment is worth it!

Bonus tip: look for therapists that are grounded in a local practice. Online big box platforms often offer couples counseling, but their roster of therapists are often under trained for this specialty and the therapist turnover is very high. This means you will not get high quality or consistent care, even though it may seem cheaper at the beginning. Many of these platforms have also been fined for confidentiality violations and are generally tech based and not healthcare based. A local practice will also provide online care, but from consistent, high quality clinicians. Your relationship deserves the best!

5 reasons to feel safe in couples therapy, even though it may sound scary

• We are trained to keep conflict on track, productive, and will protect your relationship through the entire process. When choosing a couples counselor, make sure to pick someone who primarily works with couples and has specialized training and is licensed by your state to practice counseling. Counselors at Align Couples Therapy are trained in Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, two of the most effective couples counseling methods.

• We will not let you fight the entire session. We will non judgmentally intervene with science based tools and guidance. We will work to protect the healing atmosphere of the therapeutic space.

• We focus on strengths. We assess not only for what you would like to improve about your relationship, but also for your strengths. Each couple has special strengths about their relationship that we can use as a foundation for the work. Many couples find that they are healthier than they thought, especially with new tools in hand.

• We don’t take sides or tell you to separate. We aren’t here to decide who is right or wrong, but to help your relationship thrive. We also don’t “change” people, but focus on the space between two persons in relationship.

• We listen to what you need and adjust the process to meet your goals. A good therapist is always open to feedback and will be flexible.

• We complete a full assessment before jumping in. Our assessment process is detailed and takes a few sessions to complete. This way, we don’t jump in before we truly get to know you and what your identified goals are.

• Good couples therapy is based on science. Counseling is not about therapist’s relationship experience or unfounded ideas. Everything we do at Align Couples Therapy is based in science.

• Couples Therapy is not associated with divorce. Arriving in couples counseling does not mean that divorce is next, or that you are doomed. It’s usually the opposite. It’s the healthy couples that tend to show up for therapy. But remember, prevention is much easier than intervention!

Hopefully these ideas will allay some of your fears! Happy Halloween!

Krista J Miller, Marriage & Family Therapist is now Align Couples Therapy LLC!

I’m rebranding and expanding!  And I’m hiring!

I will be providing the same quality services to couples, individuals, adolescents and families, but will be hiring qualified therapists to offer more hours and offer more flexibility in scheduling.  I will soon be offering bilingual services as well as evening and expanded weekend hours.  Our therapists will all have quality, specialized science based training in working with couples and receive collaborate treatment team support to best meet the needs of each client.

We provide relationship science with heart. Optimize yourself and your connections in a boutique atmosphere.

Align Couples Therapy seeks to optimize each client within themselves and in their social contexts.  Aligning within and between.  This includes not only relationship counseling offerings, but also mental health services, self improvement, personal growth and educational workshops and retreats.  Heart and mind, aligned within self and between others.

If you are looking to work in a collaborative, creative and growth minded group practice please see our hiring page. We offer a turn key group practice experience, with a generous CEU stipend and potential for bonuses.

Stay tuned for new offerings! Sign up for the email list to be notified of upcoming events!

5 reasons to sign up for a marriage workshop

1. Invest in your marriage, the easy and fun way. Don’t wait until there is a crisis! Make time for your spouse and have some fun in the process. You wouldn’t invest in landscaping without watering it, our relationships need the same upkeep. You probably spent more for your wedding cake! This is an investment in your future or your relationship and your family.

2. Get more done in one day than in two months of weekly counseling. We cover so much! But in a very digestible way and lasting way.

3. Focused, guided learning over a 6-8 hour time frame will have more impact than distracted learning at home. How many times have you bought a relationship book and only one of you read it! Sounds like an argument I’ve heard before….

4. Your spouse will feel loved and valued. Attending a workshop together is a very loving way to give your spouse the message that they are a priority. Many couples feel better after only just signing up!

5. Your kids see that your relationship is important and deserves attention, teaching them to do the same in the future. They may roll their eyes at your affection, but they need to see it.

and a bonus:  Free donuts!

Sign up today for my online marriage workshop June 6th, 2020. I'd love to have you join us!

Scripts for connection: bad habits and remedies

We are wired to be our best when we feel connection to others in a secure, loving relationship.  We long to feel understood and accepted at home, in our marriage and with our parents and children.

The people that mean the most to us have the tendency to shut us down in a heartbeat with word choice.  It’s important to understand how you are coming across when using the following sentiments.  We’ve all said them; But with some time and attention you can break these bad habits.

"Why..."

Starting a phrase with "Why" typically conveys judgement.  We want our loved ones to think the best of us, not the worst.

Said:  Why are you angry?   Heard:  You shouldn’t be and it’s wrong/crazy that you feel that way.

Instead say:  You seem angry, what’s up?  Heard:  You matter to me and I want to be there for you.

Said:  Why did you do that?   Heard:  You are in trouble.

Instead say:  Help me understand what happened.  Heard:  I will be patient with you.

Said:  Why can’t you just _______?  Heard:  You are impossible and I am unhappy with you.

Instead say:  I need you to ________ and it would mean ________.  Heard:  I need you, you are important to me.

Trying to fix feelings

Remember:  Feelings aren’t for fixin'.  Feeling heard and understood is the best thing that we can receive from our loved ones each day.  Validating a feeling is actually soothing, not dysregulating.  No one likes to feel crazy for what they are feeling.

Said:  You shouldn’t feel that way.  Meant: To fix.  Heard:  Your feeling is wrong/crazy and I don’t care about it, or you for having it.

Instead Say:  I get how you are feeling __________.  That makes sense.  Tell me more about it.

Said:  You are being too sensitive.  Meant:  To fix or deflect responsibility.  Heard:  It’s not safe to come to me and share your feelings.

Instead say:  It sounds like I really hurt you, help me understand what happened.

Said:  If you would just _________you wouldn’t feel so ____________.  Meant:  To fix.  Heard:  You are handling this wrong, you are wasting my time.  Result:  Disconnection and shame.

Instead say:  I’m here if you want to talk about this.  

Stay tuned for more scripts to help out with avoiding relationship scientist John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of The Apocolypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

What are some other phrases you’d like scripts for?  Bad habit phrases you need help with?  Please share in the comments, I'd love to address these in a follow up post!