Myths That Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life, Part II

* Note: If you haven’t read part 1 of this article, check it out here! 

Hello, friends! Welcome to Part II of the blog series where we are finally putting those sex myths to rest. If you haven’t read Part I, I encourage you to do so before continuing! 

I’ve often heard from my couples that they believe “sex is simple” and there “should be an easy fix to our problems.” My short answer to that: Yes and No! 

My long answer: There are many complex facets to creating a passionate and fulfilling sex life. However, there are some “simple” and “easy” things you and your partner can do to enrich your sexual relationship with one another. 

A passionate and fulfilling sex life is cultivated over time through intentionality, consistency, and priority.

Join me as we continue to debunk some of the other sex myths I’ve heard in my office in my work with couples. 

Myth #3: If we don’t experience intercourse/penetrative sex, then we have not had sex. 

I often hear couples discuss feelings of frustration, disappointment, and rejection when talking about sex. Often, when I explore these feelings at a deeper level, I discover that one or both partners have idealized and prioritized intercourse/penetrative sex within their sexual experiences. This expectation often leads to one or both partners experiencing the aforementioned feelings when intercourse/penetrative sex does not happen.

At this point of the conversation, I often like to introduce the concept that intercourse/penetrative sex is only one of the many levels of sex and intimacy.

Barry McCarthy has introduced the concept of “The Five Gears of Sex and Touch,” which can be a helpful tool to conceptualize sex occurring in various stages or “gears” (McCarthy, 2015). The five gears of touch/sex can be a helpful tool to explore and understand each other’s preferences (McCarthy, 2012). It is also helpful to increase knowledge related to the value and importance of enjoying each gear/level. It can take the pressure off rushing straight through to intercourse/penetrative sex. In turn, it can allow you both to focus on enjoying each other and creating positive connection. 

Check out the graphic below to learn more about the Five Gears of Sex and Touch!

The 5 Gears of sex & touch, McCarthy 2015

*Note: There may be times you do not get to 5th gear. That’s ok! However, by engaging in the gear process, it allows both you and your partner to explore how desire is cultivated within yourselves (spontaneous, responsive, or contextual desire. These are covered in Part I of this blog series). 

I always like to compare the five gears of sex to driving a manual car with gears. Like driving a car, you cannot go from 1st gear to 5th gear – the car would get stuck! It’s the exact same with the gears of sex! Instead of focusing on getting to the 5th gear as quickly as possible, try fully enjoying the 1st gear. Slowly enjoy each gear as you move through each of them, letting the passion and desire simmer and build up.

Let’s move on to the fourth and final myth of this blog series. 

Myth #4: Sex and passion should just occur spontaneously and naturally. 

Couples often spend time in my office discussing the various barriers that are blocking their sexual relationship. It could be anything from opposite work schedules to increased anxiety to a new baby to the general busyness of life. Underlying these barriers is an expectation that sex should just happen spontaneously and naturally. This expectation totally negates the very real external factors and even factors within the relationship that are acting as a barrier as well. My answer to this? 

Sex does not just occur spontaneously or naturally. A good sex life requires couples to make sex and passion an intentional priority and to invest time and attention to their sex lives.

Couples who have rich and fulfilling sex lives make passion a priority. They are discussing their “passion goals” with one another (for example: planning a weekly date night with one another out of the house, scheduling a yearly trip with each other, or establishing a goal to kiss each other goodnight using tongue). Dr. Cheryl Fraser, a Gottman certified sex therapist, says that “It’s important to ask yourself: How hard am I trying to create a fantastic relationship? Because great love and passion are not an accident” (Frazer, 2021). Dr. Fraser also recommends making a “Passion Plan” which outlines the daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals related to sex and passion within the relationship (Fraser, 2021). It can be helpful to utilize a couples therapist to identify and explore goals that are important to you and your partner, formulating a Passion Plan. 

Let’s address the external factors that are influencing sexual desire along with the internal relationship barriers by discussing the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response (DCM). 

Dr. Emily Nagoski describes the DCM as “the central mechanism that governs sexual arousal, which controls how and when you respond to sexually relevant sights, sounds, sensations, and ideas” (Nagoski, 2015). In laymen’s terms, the DCM is made up of the things that turn you on (sexual accelerators) and the things that turn you off (sexual brakes). The goal is to activate the accelerators (turn-ons) and deactivate the brakes (turn-offs). Here are some examples of sexual accelerators and brakes:

Common Sexual Accelerators (turn-ons)

• A specific perfume your partner can wear.

• Specific types of touch (see the 5 Gears above to explore)

• Ambience – the right music, lighting, candles, lingerie, etc.

• Talking/connecting emotionally

• Certain sexual positions

Common Sexual Brakes (turn-offs)

• Fatigue/Stress

• Bad breath/hygiene

• Temperature too hot or cold in the room

• Disengagement/duty sex (body’s present, heart’s not present)

• Body image issues

* Note: Pain during sex can be a significant sexual brake. If you or your partner is experiencing pain during sex, it’s important to address this with a medical professional to explore possible medical causes.

* Another note: Trauma (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional) can also be a significant sexual brake and should be addressed with a mental health professional either through individual or couples therapy.

In conclusion, sex can be an enjoyable, when made an intentional priority. Exploring the various “gears” of sex, identifying and communicating about the various sexual accelerators and brakes can be helpful, and remaining connected with your partner can transform your sex life.

Ultimately, it would be valuable to spend time discussing with your partner any of these myths you might have fallen prey to and are willing to change. If you are interested in exploring these topics with me, I would be honored to join you on this journey! Contact me today to schedule a session! 

References

Fraser, C. (2021, October 16). The top myths about lust and love and how they can ruin your sex life (part two). The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-top-myths-about-lust-and-love-and-how-they-can-ruin-your-sex-life-part-two/ 

McCarthy, B. (2015). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality (5th ed.). Routledge. 

McCarthy, B. (2012, May 15). Shifting gears: The five dimensions of touch. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201205/shifting-gears 

Nagoski, E. (Ed.). (2021). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks. 

Aligning Pregnancy, Mental Health and Your Relationship→

Although most of us are familiar with postpartum depression, people are often unaware that mental health challenges may start before the delivery of a new baby and may affect the expectant or new mother and their partner.

In fact, medical and mental health providers now refer to the emotional distress that occurs during pregnancy until after one year postpartum as perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). Not all of these concerns may meet the criteria for a mental health diagnosis, but they impact the individual experiencing them and their loved ones.

Research has shown us that becoming parents is one of the most stressful times for couples and nearly 67% of couples report a significant decrease in couple satisfaction after their first child is born (Shapiro et al., 2000).

This decrease in couple satisfaction is often difficult to navigate, especially if one or both partners are experiencing a PMAD and current research shows that 20% of women will experience a PMAD (Alderdice, 2020), while 1 in 7 men report mood disturbances during the perinatal period (Tissera et al., 2021). Some of the reasons that couples report a decrease in relational satisfaction during pregnancy and after the birth of a child include biological changes, impaired sleep, less time to spend as a couple, reduced communication, financial challenges, and more (Gottman et al., 2004). These difficulties are compounded if the couple has not spent time discussing their expectations of each other, their new roles, and sharing their ideas of what being a parent while still being a couple means (Dueger, 2021).

These conversations are particularly important because becoming a parent is generally the most significant identity shift that anyone will experience after puberty. If one partner shifts in a different direction than the other, it will strain the relationship.

Also, many new parents shift all their focus onto their new baby and put themselves, their partner, and others on the back burner. Over time this heightens levels of frustration, mood disturbances and relationship dissatisfaction. Of course, no one would suggest that the new baby is neglected or is not prioritized; however, there needs to be a balance between nurturing a new baby and taking care of ourselves and our relationship.

Most relationship experts recommend prioritizing the couple relationship and ensuring that partners create a sense of togetherness and a secure bond; Hoppe and Tatkin (2021) refer to this as a couple bubble.

To create a couple bubble most effectively, we need to work on understanding our own biological, neurological, and attachment needs so that we are able to understand how we are responding to one another and sharing our needs effectively; otherwise, our requests may be critical, and our partner may respond defensively or shut down.

Learning to recognize these different needs and communicating effectively is incredibly challenging because we don’t live in a world that provides many good examples of self-awareness, respectful proactive communication, listening attentively, and responding non-defensively. If one or both members of the couple are experiencing a PMAD, these skills become that much harder to master.

Often only the person experiencing mental health struggles will reach out for therapy, but research has shown that a supportive partner is a key aspect in overcoming a PMAD (Tissera et al., 2021). Other types of social support are also hugely helpful when navigating the challenges associated with becoming a parent, and there are some excellent resources, including peer support groups, available through Postpartum Support International and The Seleni Institute.

If you and your partner are considering starting a family, have recently added to your family, or are unsure of what growing your family during a pandemic will look like, I would be honored to help you navigate these challenges. I am a Certified Perinatal Mental Heath Profesional PMH-C and can be contacted here.

References:

Alderdice, F. (2020). What’s so special about perinatal mental health? Journal of Reproductive & Infant Psychology, 38(2), 111–112. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646838.2020.1734167

Dueger, S. (2021). Preparing For Parenthood. Author Academy Elite.

Gottman, J., Gottman, J., Abrams, D., & Abrams, R. (2004). Eight Dates. Thomas Allen & Son Limited.

Hoppe, K., & Tatkin, S. (2021). Baby bomb. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59-70. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.59

Tissera, H., Auger, E., Séguin, L., Kramer, M. S., & Lydon, J. E. (2021). Happy prenatal relationships, healthy postpartum mothers: a prospective study of relationship satisfaction, postpartum stress, and health. Psychology & Health, 36(4), 461–477. https://doi.org/10.1080/08870446.2020.1766040

Navigating Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Discovering you are expecting a child can be very exciting and usually begins the process of creating a vision for your child and family. Your life’s trajectory immediately shifts. Maybe you immediately shared the news with family and friends, or perhaps you waited until the second trimester to share your exciting news.

But then the unthinkable happens, and you find out that you have lost your baby. You become filled with grief, uncertainty, confusion, and may not know how to respond. If you had not shared your pregnancy news yet, you might feel a sense of isolation because none of your family or friends know what has happened. If you and your partner shared the news, unhelpful comments, advice or questions may ensue. It’s common for family and friends to offer up words meant to console, but these words can fall flat and may actually intensify grief or isolation.

Adding to the difficulty of mourning the loss of a pregnancy or child is when partners grieve differently, which may intensify what already feels unbearable. Often one partner may feel the loss more intensely while the other is more pragmatic, looking at the loss as “this sometimes happens” or saying, “everything happens for a reason.” While these statements may help one partner cope with their feelings or be factually correct since 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, these statements may feel dismissive and result in feeling isolated, unseen, unheard, and unloved. Some couples even report feeling that they are blamed for the loss of the pregnancy or baby if they perceive their partner wasn’t excited about the pregnancy or if there were genetic factors that contributed to the loss. These situations are heartbreaking but do not need to result in permanent damage to the relationships. Here are some points to consider after a pregnancy loss:

• Set boundaries to protect your emotional and physical wellbeing. This may mean asking people to respect your privacy or asking them to help with everyday tasks.

• Plan ahead for times that may be especially difficult such as the anniversary of the loss or the missed due date, or holidays like Mother’s/Father’s Day.

• Engage in self-care at a higher level, taking extra rest, spending time in preferred activities, working on mindfulness or spiritual practices, and slowly re-engaging in physical activity as directed by a medical professional.

• Allow yourself to grieve and understand that everyone processes loss differently, although many people find comfort in attending support groups.

• Reach out to a mental health professional or, if you prefer, a clergy person trained in grief and loss.

Unfortunately, for many years infant and pregnancy loss has been kept in the shadows, which has discouraged women from seeking support and sharing their stories. This may be even more true for their partner, who may feel they have less of a right to grieve.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. As a society, we are beginning to understand that these losses are profound, create grief like any other loss, and should be responded to accordingly. Below are some suggestions for offering support to loved ones who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child:

• Ask if they would like to talk about their loss, and then listen without offering advice unless asked.

• Offer to help with everyday tasks like grocery shopping, meal prep, or cleaning. It’s most helpful to jump in with something helpful rather than ask “what can I do?” to someone who can’t organize their needs during grief.

• Avoid rushing them to “move on” before they are ready. Hold space for their pace.

• Check-in with both partners; many partners who did not carry the pregnancy report feeling their grief is ignored, or they think they should put it aside to support the partner who carried the pregnancy.

• Grief requires that it be seen, heard and validated for it to be processed. Simply being a compassionate presence is priceless.

If you feel that you or your partner needs help working through the loss of a pregnancy or child, I would be honored to be part of your healing journey. You can contact me here. Some additional resources that may be helpful can be found at https://www.postpartum.net and http://www.seleni.org

Helping Your Teen Return To School

Is your head spinning because of recent developments regarding returning to school? What was a celebratory and exciting thought just a few short weeks ago has shifted. What can we do to help our kids?

How to help your adolescent return to school

Teens are an elusive species, they can be so hard to read and to support! To be sure, there is most likely some anxiety and grief bubbling underneath the surface. Most well intended parents want to help, but instead realize that they are making things worse or turning their kids away from them. Here are Do’s and Don’ts to help you navigate:

• Do: Ask open ended questions to open the door for more meaningful conversation. “I’d love to hear what you are thinking about x, y or z”. “Tell me about your new classes.” “Tell me about your table at lunch.” Don’t: Ask closed ended questions like “Are you excited/ready for school to start?” Do: Be curious about their lives. As much as it may seem they don’t want to talk to us, most kids really long for you to be interested in their lives.

• Do: Notice their emotions, name them, validate them and then allow them space to move through. Adolescents are still working on developing emotional intelligence and really need some guidance. Our emotions are all real and valid to us. If we don’t give them space to exist, they get stuck and we start to marinate. Don’t: tell your child to “just not stress out;” it leaves them feeling ashamed for their stress, judged, alone and they will not come to us the next time. Do: say: “I’m so glad you told me, it is hard isn’t it?” This allows them to identify their anxiety, justify it’s existence and then they can start to look for ways to manage it. Just stuffing it results in stomach aches, headachces, tense muscles, sleep problems, focus problems. Don’t: take it on yourself to fix their emotions. It’s not possible and you will get frustrated with them for not “complying.” Our emotions can be an important internal compass with which we can learn to notice and utilize. Emotions aren’t for fixing, they are for listening. Do: be compassionate with yourself, it’s so very hard to watch our kids struggle and keep ourselves from coming to the rescue.

• Do: Be aware that anxiety and grief in teens looks like: contempt(eye rolls, snarkiness, sarcasm), indecisiveness, lack of motivation, procrastination, moodiness, anger, silence, withdrawal, falling grades. Help them understand that while emotions are valid, we also need to be aware of how our reactions to our emotions can hurt others. Do: Teach accountability. Don’t: punish before teaching them how. This is a teachable opportunity, just ride the fine line of teaching vs lecturing. Do: Make sure your teen feels listened to consistently, (tune in often, even over seemingly small items) this provides fertile opportunity to do this teaching. If they feel lectured, this could be a sign that we aren’t working on other parts of our relationship with them.

• Do: Look for opportunities for giving them agency and choice-a feeling of control in this crazy landscape. This can be done in small ways: clothing, timing of chores/homeowork, decision making on things that are their problems (not ours). Don’t: micromanage everything. Do: Pick your battles on necessary items.

• Do: Before weighing in on any issue they face, determine whose problem it really is, (theirs or yours) and if it’s theirs, let the world’s natural consequences hit. This is the best teacher for future responsibility.

• Do: Model good self care in the face of societal stress-nutrition, exercise, limiting news tickers, compassion for others, healthy self talk.

• If they are returning to school for the first time in a while, Do: take it easy. Small steps, ease into the transition. Don’t: make elaborate plans right after school or in the first few weekends after school starts, they will most likely need to come home, decompress and collapse.

• Do: Speak to them in terms of a growth mindset vs fixed mindset. Growth mindset: “I saw how you managed your anxiety last week and was really impressed with how you’ve improved, you’ve come a long way.” Fixed mindset: “You are always so negative about school.” “Why are you always so stressed?”

We’d love to help you navigate your relationship with your teen! We offer individual counseling for adolescents or parents, family counseling and group therapy for teens(coming soon), Contact us today!