The shelter in the storm: how to support each other when anxiety shows up

Do you ever feel like there is a third wheel in your relationship?  No, I’m not talking about another person.  I’m talking about the unwanted guest: anxiety.  Anxiety might block your ability to connect with and support others, dictate the activities you engage in, and may reinforce you feeling overwhelmed and stuck.  This doesn't need to be the case; the therapy I provide during individual counseling or couples counseling at Align Couples Therapy may help manage anxiety and the accompanying painful feelings.  The end result is a relationship that can be the shelter rather than the damage path of the storm.

Managing anxiety in relationships

Anxiety can create tension between people, even when they care deeply about one another.  Next comes frustration and stress, followed close behind by disagreements and conflict.  Couples counseling can provide assistance managing these disagreements, reducing feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction. Partners can also work together to create a meaningful relationship, support one another, and resolve some of the concerns associated with anxiety listed below:

• Feeling unable to say no

• People-pleasing

• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions

• Discounting your own thoughts, opinions, and intuition because of what others think

• Avoiding intimate relationships

• Inability to make decisions

• Believing that your happiness is dependent on others

• Difficulty asking for what you want or need, or being made to feel guilty

• Consistently being overly sensitive to criticism

Couples counseling for anxiety may also help the non-anxious partner understand their partner's struggles more clearly and respond more helpfully and compassionately.  It is common for the supporting partner to misunderstand their partner’s anxiety. This causes difficulty communicating, trusting, and finding ways to offer support because they do not know what to do; so they do nothing. It is also incredibly tempting for the non-anxious partner to want to fix their partner or suggest ways to “snap out of it.” 

Don’t:

• Try to “fix” your partner or their feelings

• Assume the worst or mindread

• Dismiss or minimize their anxiety

• Encourage maladaptive behaviors

• Take things personally

• Lose your temper when anxiety levels are high

• Blame them for canceled plans or last-minute changes

Do:

• Attend counseling with your partner

• Offer encouragement without pushing

• Empathize and validate emotions

• Help your partner manage anxiety, not eliminate it

• Provide affection

• Celebrate small victories

• Have individual interests and support systems

Our therapeutic work can also help the anxious partner communicate what they are feeling and what they need clearly and effectively.  Anxiety may interfere with plans or cause a small situation to escalate, which could create tension in the relationship.  We identify tools and resources to utilize when anxiety is at play and move forward in a way that enhances the relationship while honoring each person.  Demystifying the anxiety spiral is a central focus.  We work to create meaningful connections and identify and utilize extended support systems.

It is helpful to identify triggers for anxiety and explore how, as a couple, you can work together to overcome those triggers.  We also explore family and social patterns that might be contributing to anxiety and ways to restructure those patterns. This supports the individual experiencing anxiety and also allows for the couple to create a more meaningful relationship.  When anxiety is avoided, it tends to grow, so by addressing the things that contribute to anxiety, they become less problematic and are less likely to contribute to feelings of depression or disconnection with family members and friends.  

True healing can happen when one is fully seen and heard in a compassionate atmosphere. 

How to prepare for an online counseling session

Align Couples Therapy is 100% online for awhile. Please don't delay starting therapy at this time; self care and relationship care is as important as ever! Online sessions are easy and so convenient!

I’m working very hard on making this experience as impactful as an office session and believe if you give it a try, you will be glad you didn’t wait. Online video is much more engaging and warm than trying to build therapeutic rapport behind face masks. Both client and therapist must be able to view the full range of facial emotion in session.

Many clients are reporting that online couples therapy is working better than they imagined. I have noticed that when positive relationship experience happens in your own home during session, instead of only in the therapy office, it is moving couples along faster in the change process.

online couples counseling

Here are some tips:

• Allow some buffer time before session to get set up, comfortable and adjust your computer settings. You will also want to simulate the brain space that a typical car commute and alone time in a waiting room counseling office gives you. This allows you some time to think about your goals for the session and your assessment of the week prior. Jumping into a therapy session straight from an online work meeting will make it hard to orient yourself to the process.

• Have some headphones handy. This can help with privacy and filtering out background noise and echos.

• Sit in front of a window or shine a lamp in your direction for light.

• If you are signing on as a couple, set the computer on a table and sit back from it a few feet to provide ability for both people to be seen on the screen.

• Check your internet speed here, and make adjustments below.

• Restart your computer before session and close all extra tabs that are open, check your location to your router, you may need to move closer.

• Call your internet provider and make sure you are getting the best available speed, I was able to increase my wifi speed and get a reduced bill all in one phone call!

• For privacy: sit in your car on your lunch break or in your driveway. There is also no shame in meeting from the comfort of your closet! The hanging clothes make it very soundproof.

• Use your phone as a sound machine/put on some music outside of the room where you are having your session. I use a sound machine outside my office door. I use this one from Amazon, it’s got an amazing sound and has held up wonderfully over time.

• Ask family members not to game or stream movies during your session if wifi speed is an issue.

• Place your computer/laptop on some books or a pillow on your lap, prop up iPad to bring the camera to your eye level.

• Turn off messages/email notifications during your session to eliminate distracting dings, put phone on Do Not Disturb.

• Allow yourself some time after your session to adjust back into your day. Don’t rush right back to life.

• Give yourself a session or two to adjust to the difference, it definitely grows on you! Research shows that online sessions are not less effective than in-person sessions.

• Do not multitask during session, give it your full attention, like you would in a therapy office.

• This is a good article and more information from Apple about how to make video conferencing more enjoyable.

  I look forward to seeing you online!

What are you communicating?

Have you ever thought you and your partner weren’t communicating well? You are not alone!

Almost every couple that comes through my door states that they are seeking to improve their communication skills.

So what does that mean? It could mean so many different things, which is why we do a comprehensive couples assessment to start the counseling process.

Here are 5 important questions to ask your partner to assess your communication quality at home:

Are we communicating our needs? (In a gentle and loving way?) Our partner needs to know the way to our heart. Help them pass the test; you are on the same team and they can’t read your mind. Responding to our partner’s needs communicates love and compassion.

Are we communicating criticism or contempt? While you need to let your partner know what you need, how you phrase this will determine how effective your statement will be. Starting a need with a criticism seriously hinders your partners ability to hear you and respond. Stating a need without criticism communicates that your partner is the solution, not the problem.

Are we communicating that we see and hear each other? (which may mean that we need to shut up). A basic need for all of us is to feel seen and heard. This may not be verbal and can be as simple as eye contact and a touch on the arm. We make bids for attention from each other that often end up failing. If we make a bid for attention that fails, we will often give up trying. Not being responsive communicates rejection.

Are we communicating more about our inner life than just the logistics of our day? Couples on average only talk about 15 minutes a week(yikes!), and even then it’s only logistical. That is not very connective communication. Try the Gottman Card Deck app or our new Dance of Hearts cards for couples for some more meaningful discussion starters. Sharing our inner life communicates vulnerability and trust. Inquiring about our partner’s inner world communicates: “I value you.”

How does our communication get influenced or hijacked by our nervous system? One of the tools we learn in therapy is to understand how our nervous system can often derail our mind and communication. How we are biologically wired to survive does not help us connect lovingly during times of stress. Taking a break from an argument that is headed in the wrong direction communicates: “I love you enough to take a break, calm down and circle back.”

Top 5 ways to find a great marriage counselor

It can be so hard to find a good couples therapist. The confidential nature of the work and social stigma means that most consumers don’t spread the word. Marriage counselors are also ethically bound to not ask for online reviews to protect our client’s confidentiality, and therapists in general tend not to be business oriented. This often leaves the consumer in the dark.

I’d like to offer some suggestions. Here are a list of the 5 top ways to find a great marriage counselor:

1. License

Marriage counselors must be licensed by the state in which they are providing services. This license could be an LMFT(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), LPC(Licensed Professional Counselor), LCSW(Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or Licensed Psychologist. There are lots of well meaning folks that like to help couples and have good intentions, but if there is no license, there is questionable training and no oversight. To obtain a license, one must have at least a Masters degree in a related field and then complete 3000 hours of an internship and hundreds of hours of supervision, as well as completing continuing education each year. This is imperative to properly train a therapist. I once heard a friend compare a therapist with no license to her unlicensed hairdresser. The problem with providing couples counseling unlicensed is that the stakes are so much higher than a bad haircut. Families and marriages are on the line, mental health needs are being addressed, and an untrained therapist can do so much damage. Look for a relevant license.

2. Education and training

The beauty of a licensed therapist is that the licensing board has covered this step for you, vetting the therapists training and credentials. Additionally, a marriage/relationship counselor should have training to work specifically with couples. A therapist trained only to see individuals will not be competent to work with couples; they need additional supervision and relationship specific courses and experience. I also prefer to refer couples to counselors that primarily see couples. Most often when a client is relaying why couples therapy didn’t work well in the past, it was provided by a therapist who wasn’t trained to work with couples and was doing the same type of therapy they provide to individuals.

3. Couples specific certifications

In addition to an appropriate counseling degree, a marriage counselor may also have specialized certifications. I am a Certified Gottman Therapist, for example. This required completing 3 levels of intensive training(that took a few years) as well as working with a consultant who reviewed video recordings of my therapy sessions to determine that I was meeting the standards and technique required to be a CGT. There is also advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (of which I have completed an externship), as well as through a few other models. A counselor who has completed these trainings is deemed a specialist.

4. Niche specific

It is also helpful to look for a marriage counselor that may have a specific niche regarding your identified area of need. Infidelity, substance abuse, porn addiction, ADHD, or religion may be examples of specific niche areas. It is not possible for a therapist to be well informed and great at everything.

If you are looking for a faith based counselor, make sure you still cover items 1-3. Just because the counselor is of the same faith, doesn’t necessarily mean they are trained to work well with couples. And another important point is that a great counselor will respect, honor and integrate your faith, even if they do not share the same religion.

5. Rapport

Research consistently reports that the effectiveness of any given therapy is mainly due to the rapport with the counselor. That means you want to find someone with whom you have a good rapport and with whom you feel comfortable. This may take a few counselors to find, but when you make a good connection, the time investment is worth it!

Bonus tip: look for therapists that are grounded in a local practice. Online big box platforms often offer couples counseling, but their roster of therapists are often under trained for this specialty and the therapist turnover is very high. This means you will not get high quality or consistent care, even though it may seem cheaper at the beginning. Many of these platforms have also been fined for confidentiality violations and are generally tech based and not healthcare based. A local practice will also provide online care, but from consistent, high quality clinicians. Your relationship deserves the best!

5 reasons to feel safe in couples therapy, even though it may sound scary

• We are trained to keep conflict on track, productive, and will protect your relationship through the entire process. When choosing a couples counselor, make sure to pick someone who primarily works with couples and has specialized training and is licensed by your state to practice counseling. Counselors at Align Couples Therapy are trained in Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, two of the most effective couples counseling methods.

• We will not let you fight the entire session. We will non judgmentally intervene with science based tools and guidance. We will work to protect the healing atmosphere of the therapeutic space.

• We focus on strengths. We assess not only for what you would like to improve about your relationship, but also for your strengths. Each couple has special strengths about their relationship that we can use as a foundation for the work. Many couples find that they are healthier than they thought, especially with new tools in hand.

• We don’t take sides or tell you to separate. We aren’t here to decide who is right or wrong, but to help your relationship thrive. We also don’t “change” people, but focus on the space between two persons in relationship.

• We listen to what you need and adjust the process to meet your goals. A good therapist is always open to feedback and will be flexible.

• We complete a full assessment before jumping in. Our assessment process is detailed and takes a few sessions to complete. This way, we don’t jump in before we truly get to know you and what your identified goals are.

• Good couples therapy is based on science. Counseling is not about therapist’s relationship experience or unfounded ideas. Everything we do at Align Couples Therapy is based in science.

• Couples Therapy is not associated with divorce. Arriving in couples counseling does not mean that divorce is next, or that you are doomed. It’s usually the opposite. It’s the healthy couples that tend to show up for therapy. But remember, prevention is much easier than intervention!

Hopefully these ideas will allay some of your fears! Happy Halloween!

Krista J Miller, Marriage & Family Therapist is now Align Couples Therapy LLC!

I’m rebranding and expanding!  And I’m hiring!

I will be providing the same quality services to couples, individuals, adolescents and families, but will be hiring qualified therapists to offer more hours and offer more flexibility in scheduling.  I will soon be offering bilingual services as well as evening and expanded weekend hours.  Our therapists will all have quality, specialized science based training in working with couples and receive collaborate treatment team support to best meet the needs of each client.

We provide relationship science with heart. Optimize yourself and your connections in a boutique atmosphere.

Align Couples Therapy seeks to optimize each client within themselves and in their social contexts.  Aligning within and between.  This includes not only relationship counseling offerings, but also mental health services, self improvement, personal growth and educational workshops and retreats.  Heart and mind, aligned within self and between others.

If you are looking to work in a collaborative, creative and growth minded group practice please see our hiring page. We offer a turn key group practice experience, with a generous CEU stipend and potential for bonuses.

Stay tuned for new offerings! Sign up for the email list to be notified of upcoming events!